You Chose to Follow

Following Holy Spirit is supposed to lead our broken parts into healing, freedom, and integration… Right?     

This is a question I’ve been asking myself.

Why am I asking this question? Because I’ve found a very traumatized soul part inside of me that is fragmented from the journey of simply following Holy Spirit. It seems that this part is in a battle with God right now. It’s demanding that my hope is no longer deferred. It’s demanding that the sacrifice, obedience, isolation, and promises will quickly produce more than what I continue to receive.

My soul loves God and will follow him to the ends of the earth and into whatever mind-bending reality he places in front of me; however, this soul part feels absolutely heart-sick that the years and years and years of following have still not produced his promises.

Because this soul part is heart-sick, it’s angry and explosive. I am not an angry person at all. So, to find myself so angry with life and with God is very uncomfortable for me. Despite all of the revelation he’s given me on hope that I have applied to other areas of my life, I cannot seem to find reprieve from the hopelessness this soul part feels.

The annoying part is, I need all of me present in order to follow where Holy Spirit is leading. But then this soul part is so overrun with anger and hopelessness that it doesn’t want to move. It just wants to sit in the frustration and stew about it, demanding that God do something right now.

I’ve had to talk the part off of the ledge. I’ve had to get it to calm down so that I can still it long enough to hear what Holy Spirit is saying to the rest of me. I need Holy Spirit’s instructions, so I can understand how to go forward.

Finally, after about a week of battling out the anger, the part calmed down enough for me to hear Holy Spirit and God’s heart on this.

He said, “This is what happens when you walk out your scroll and follow through with the mandates I’ve given you. You’ve been in a war for years with the kingdom of darkness. And though you’ve been successful in war, each battle within the war has left your soul weary and fragmented. This is part of being at war. You have wounds and scars. You feel the lack of hope because the path I’ve placed you on has been horribly challenging for your heart and soul. You’ve pressed up against systems of operation that beg to be worshipped and you have not worshiped them at all. Instead, you’ve followed me.  

To get to the other side of the fragmentation you feel so deeply, you are going to have to see it for what it really is. You chose to go on this journey with me. You chose to walk out our scroll and every mandate I’ve laid before you. You chose to press yourself into the avenues and corridors I’ve asked. You’ve chosen to get up-close and uncomfortable with demons, powers, principalities, and thrones who’ve had legal rights to be positioned in high places. You’ve chosen to follow me when I’ve given you the keys and authority to overthrow demons, powers, principalities, and thrones. You’ve chosen to listen to my voice and press for more revelation to shake the frequencies and vibrations in the heavens and the earth. You’ve made these choices as you’ve willingly followed.

The revelation you’ve gained has cost you everything. I know this. I am aware of it. It doesn’t slip my mind at all. It is very present and forward facing in my realm.

I understand that your soul is weary. I understand that it is fragmented from the constant pressing and pushing. I understand that there have been things I’ve promised that haven’t come to fruition yet because you’ve been at war. When we are at war, hope becomes deferred. Prayers don’t always get answered the way we hope for. There’s a lot of friction and conflict in the higher realms that make the victory(s) challenging. This is why you must lead with your spirit and you must follow Wisdom and Holy Spirit. You must listen to the Spirit of Truth in all things. Because the very fragmented soul part inside of you would like to listen to the kingdom of darkness and focus on the lack. The part is hurting. It is in pain. It doesn’t see the war and the multiple battlefields clearly. It sees them as places of pain, rather than places of victory. You need to walk in the victory. You need to recall the victories to this part. You need to enlighten this part with all of the wins and the reality of the journey. The part needs to hear truth.”

Since Holy Spirit shared this with me, I’ve felt a lot less angry. The part has cooled off some. Something in it clicked when it heard, “You chose to follow. It was your choice to press up against the kingdom of darkness. It was your choice to listen to me and fight on each battlefield.” And though it doesn’t make it any easier on the part to hear the truth, there is a deep sense of freedom within it. I do see that I willingly walked onto each and every single battlefield I’ve been led to by him and chose to engage in the war because I had the authority and power to do so.

And I guess what I’m getting at in all of this is that there is a place within all the challenges of following where you have to see how weary the war has made you, but then also embrace the reality that you chose to follow.

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