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I Never Really Needed You

After self-publishing my book in September, I had this moment of clarity. In the midst of the excitement and relief, I let out a huge sigh of realization. “I never really needed you,” I thought.

Now, the “you” I am referring to will remain anonymous. However, the revelation I received in that moment really transformed my inner world.

You see, for years I didn’t know myself in areas because I couldn’t see myself. I was blinded to my own identity… Namely, my potential. It’s as if my own self was hidden from me. Sure, others could see Amanda, but Amanda really, truly seeing Amanda seemed illogical.

Now, because of my blindness, I leaned heavily on self-deception.

So, what did self-deception tell me? It convinced me I couldn’t do certain things or grow in certain areas unless another player was actively involved in the process. Sure, I had Holy Spirit, but… Was He actually enough? Was His encouragement and assistance alone enough to move me forward and sustain every place inside of me that I was blinded too?

Well, clearly, I didn’t believe He was. Yes, He did lead me down a clear-cut path to publish my book. Yes, I did follow. However, it wasn’t until the book was published that the self-deceptive voices in my head and heart stopped. My Holy Spirit led actions proved them wrong. I could in fact do what they had convinced me I couldn’t do without the help of another.

After my realization, I kind of felt sorry for myself for a moment. Not from a place of pity, but more so from a place of regret. I thought, “All this time I’ve been capable of so much. I’ve been able to move forward with Holy Spirit on my own. Heck, I have moved forward with Holy Spirit on my own for years!!! So… Why did I ever believe differently? Why did I have to finish the book to realize ‘I never really needed you anyway?’ Ugh…. The amount of self-deception seeded in my heart… How wicked!”

Now, I’m truly grateful Holy Spirit pushed me to a place that produced truth, which then helped me see myself clearer; however, I’ve been very curious how this applies to hope.

For me, I was hoping for things to line up in my life from a place of self-deception. I placed my hope in things that were not intended for me or my life, but I believed they were because I believed the self-deceptive thoughts and emotions planted in my heart.

And so, my hope continued to be deferred. I continued to feel let down by God, but only because I was actively operating out of self-deception.

Looking back, I can see how Holy Spirit was trying to reveal truth to me. I can see that He was trying to move my soul out of the way so that I could see through the lens of my spirit. My spirit knew the truth. She understood that we had to keep moving forward no matter what my soul was thinking and feeling. She was laser focused on excellence and success pertaining to this book. My soul, however, was not. It was all over the place in self-deception. Constantly pawing at illusive ideas and fairytales that were never anything more than fanciful castles in the sky.

Now that I can see clearer, I am choosing to bring every single thing I am hoping for to the table for inspection. I want to know, “Am I in self-deception for what I am hoping for? Are there weak or blind areas in my head and heart preventing me from seeing the truth? And, if I am weak and blind in areas, can someone I trust (namely Holy Spirit) point me to the truth? I don’t want to hope for something I am being deceived into hoping for.”

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to inspect your heart. Do you have seeds of self-deception rooted in the grounds of your heart? If so, can you identify them or are you blinded like I was?

If you can identify seeds of self-deception, I encourage you to:

  • Repent for aligning yourself with self-deception.

  • Then, ask the blood of Jesus to cleanse every area that the seeds of self-deception have infiltrated.

  • Next, commission your angels to uproot the seeds of self-deception in your heart. Tell them to remove every root system and structure, and then send those roots to be burned up.

  • Last, commission your angels to plant seeds of truth concerning yourself and your identity into your heart. Tell your angels to water those seeds constantly and ask the Spirit of Truth to continue to help develop and grow a foundational posture of truth about who you are inside of you.

If you cannot identify seeds of self-deception:

  • Call your human spirit forward. Tell your soul to step back.

  • Ask the Spirit of Truth to begin to reveal areas to in your heart and soul that have been deceived into believing self-deceptive thoughts.

  • As He reveals them to you, apply the steps above.

As an overall note, we want to place our hope in what produces life inside of us. Self-deception will always produce death inside of us. Always. So please, be encouraged to focus on cultivating what is life-giving!


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